"Unforgive"

I heard David say it in a prayer. I am sure he did not mean it the way he spoke, but it stuck in my mind as if a gripping vice.
"Help me, Lord. when I want to unforgive."
I thought I had little problem with forgiveness. I had had plenty of opportunity in my life to practice it. But when he said that word, "unforgive", I realized that "forgive" is an action- a verb! I had heard a lot of sermons addressing unforgiveness, as a noun, and had made great efforts in my life to forgive in the actionary sense. But, here i was, faced with the reality that if I could actively "forgive", then could I not actively "unforgive?" Could I not take back the forgiveness I had extended to someone? My mind raced over the "forgiven" people in my life. I had to admit that the recollection of some of them brought a twinge of pain. I had indeed extended forgiveness, to the best of my ability, to these "offenders". But had I inadvertently taken it back by also not extending the grace of God to them?

I thought I had let their offenses go and truly tired to forget. yet, i secretly harbored ill-will, hoping their deeds would come back to them and they would learn how much they had hurt me. I knew that when they were suffering that it was from seeds they had sown. I consciously chose to keep forgiving each I remembered, but also consciouls chose to "unforgive" each time I allowed my thoughts to dig up details to rerlish the pain, even if only briefly. I was in a tug-og-war within myself. I failed toextend God's grace, give them space to be human, and to accept that they could, and probably would, hurt again.

God accepts us and loves us unconditionally. He freely gives us forgiveness and acceptance, know full-well that we will fail again. He doesn't keep His forgiveness at arm's length, waiting to see if we will fall once more and five Him reason to take back His love and forgiveness. He doesn't bring disaster and destruction from the seemds we have sown.

I sometimes have that mentality with God. He is too holy and righteous to go back on His word, yet I continue to feel unworthy and rejected. I live as though I am still unforgiven adn being punished. As though there were some way I could make up for my mistakes. I realized that when I consicously made a decision to forgive and leave it at His feet, allowing that person to err again and still be loved by me, that it was oonly then that i began to understand grace. God never has even thought again about my sins, once confessed and turned away from. He has never brought them up to me again, though I have, too many times. And He does not remember the sins of my neighbors who offended me either and is willing to restore both of us to a relationship with Him as if we had never sinned before!

He made a decision to forgive, actively, by the death of Jesus Christ on the cross. Hemade that decision for me. He mnade that decision for all those who have offended me and those that will offend in the future. He has never decided to "unforgive". Let me be more like Him every day!