Back in the Saddle Again

It's been awhile since I wrote anything on this blog...years in fact! I guess life either got too boring to share or too interesting to take the time to share. I shall continue though to write, since writing is in my blood, mind, and soul. I cannot not write. So I have been blogging for my church's women's ministry for several years. I enjoy that, but feel as though I should rekindle writing beyond my little "safe" world. I cannot promise that I will faithfully write each week, but that is my goal. I need to speak my mind, be an encourager, etc. I noticed that my last blog several years ago, stated that I was going to speak my mind by writing regularly and apparently that all got derailed. The intentions, that is, not my mind. As far as I can tell that is still on some track, although I must admit, it my be a track that I myself have yet to follow. I used an old cowboy term to title this blog...back in the saddleback again, I think because it is familiar and perhaps a bit catchy. whether I ride the literary train or horse make no difference to me...I am back for adventures and thoughts. I do not know this time around if I will "speak my mind" about controversial topics, share lessons from my faith, or have any theme at all. It's truly back in the saddle for me! Since I have written here, life has taken me on many adventures. I have moved to Surprise, AZ. I have traveled to Indonesia where my younger daughter now lives. I have embarked on a business adventure with my older daughter, while still providing quality of life programming for seniors at a nursing home/rehab center. I believe I was still homeschooling my grandson when I last wrote. That adventure ended over five years ago on a positive note when he and his siblings found a charter school they could attend. And I returned to my previous career. I reestablished my certification and also became Board Certified as an Activity Professional. So all is well. The writing is no longer on the back burner and I will answer God's call to write. I hope you look forward to reading...as I look forward to sharing. God bless!

How 'Bout Them D'backs!

How 'bout them d'backs is a phrase the people of Arizona use to flatter our professional baseball team who does have a reputation of some mighty great games. It was just such a game last night. Here they were in the bottom of the ninth, tied up at 1 to 1 against the LA Dodgers. Overtime! In the top of the tenth, our pitcher became flustered and gave up 5 runs. 6 to 1 in overtime! That is when the crowd started fleeing. They were sure it was over.

My husband and I did not attend that game, but watched it on TV. We watched a wee bit longer...until at the bottom of the tenth, we were still down 6-1 with two batters out. We also were sure it was over and went to bed. But, it wasn't over at all! With two outs, they managed to get another run, bases loaded, a run walked in, and then a grand slam from a hitter who had no previous grand slams, and had been 0 for 4 that night! 7-6 and THEN it was over! Quite an upset to say the least!

This game has been much talked about today, and rightly so. But it made me think about times in my life when I had given up. I had looked at the situation which seemed even statistically impossible, and walked out on the game! Oh, not the Diamondbacks, but the game of life. God had surprises and "moves" that I knew nothing of, yet I assumed that all was hopeless and gave up...just like many of the fans last night.

There have also been times in my life when I felt like the players must have. Down for the count...one more strike and it's all over! People walked out on me. People booed and yelled at me. People gave up on me. But not God. I thought about how the D'back coach could have decided to put in a pinch hitter for Ryan Roberts since he was 0-4 that night. But he didn't. He had faith in him. He let him swing. And all it took was one pitch and it was out of the ballpark, as they say.

God is my coach. He sees my batting average. He knows my swings and misses. He knows when I have been afraid to swing and the enemy called a strike. Still, He leaves me in His game. He believes in me. He has faith in me.

This game made me reflect on many things. Times when I strike out. Times when I give up. Times when it seems impossible. Times when others walk out on me. Times when crowds dislike me. Times when commentators predict defeat and wait for it.
But it also made me realize that God does not give up on me. He trusts me with His
Spirit and His anointing, even when my track record hasn't been so great!

Oh, it was a great game all right...I did get to watch the rest of it today, thanks to DVRs. And the crowd that remained went wild! There was dancing and shouting and hooping and hollering. And the angels rejoice when ONE sinner repents! AND God dances over us with joy!

Oh, yes! We can overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony! We are overcomers. Let's not allow our past...our defeats, failures, strike-outs, etc. to dictate our today!

How 'bout them D'backs?! How 'bout our God?! It all depends on who we listen to...the crowd or the coach!

In the Public Place

Today I went to the Diamondbacks baseball game with several Residents from my nursing home. Believe it or not, they were engaged in the surroundings and seemed to have a very happy time. And, thankfully, the Diamondbacks won! It was an exciting game of action with a score of 8-5. They had varied reactions to the plays, but for the most part got involved in the clapping and cheering of the crowd.

What caught my attention were the people who just sat there. Perhaps they were rooting for the opposing team, but still...to just sit there when such action is occuring all around, seemed strange to me. I watch them as the mascot danced in front of them. Still no reaction. I observed as the cameras rolled around and displayed their face on the big screen. Still, no reaction. They did look at each other and shrug their shoulders, but that was about it. The temperature was pleasant. The place was not overly crowded, since it was a week-day, mid-day game. There was plenty of room to manuever through the seats without causing a traffic jam or getting stepped on. And both teams were playing well. Yet, they sat still and basically unresponsive. I had to wonder why they paid money (I assume they did) for tickets to a game they found so boring.

And then I thought about my responses to God. There have been times when I sat acting bored while He was moving all around me. There have been times when I sat nearly stone-faced during a worship service, thinking about things that had nothing to do with worship. And then, there have been times when no amount of "cheer-leading" could get me to lay aside my worries and focus on God. Perhaps I appeared strange to Him at those moments. I know He knows my heart, and my thoughts, and that He loves me unconditionally. But still...

I get excited when a baseball player hits a home-run, or makes a fantasitic catch! I jump up and down and clap and yell. I respond to whatever the flashing lights on the electronic banner say to do. "Make some noise! Louder!" "Clap your hands."
And I join in when someone initiates a "wave" or starts some action that spreads throughout the stadium. But sometimes,in church...

Well, we are supposed to be reserved and reverent in church, aren't we? Of course, we are to be reverent! But to study the Bible, especially in its original languages, one must take a hard look at the character of God. He put words in there that don't mean sit still...(Oh, that's in there too...just not the only one). Take the word, "Halal"...That actually carries the connotation of hilarity...and it is a word translated "praise". It means "have a party!" Parties are not quiet. There are lots of other words translated "cheerful" and "joyful" that have that same underlying meaning.

So, why do I shy away from public expression of my love for God at times? Why do I allow distractions to side-line my worship experience? How can I sit still in the midst of the move of God and not respond to His presence. God is exciting! He is worthy to be praised! He inhabits the praises of His people! God will lead me (and you too) into the quiet places and intimately quiet times. But He also invites into the party times, the times of rejoicing. And there is power in those times!

This is a lesson He taught me: When my son was a baby, he one day experienced a very high fever. We had done everything the doctor said to do. Given him everything the doctor recommended. Still, it would not break. He was limp, listless, and I was very worried, and contemplating an expensive trip to the ER.

I called for prayer and then went to prayer myself. During the quiet time of prayer, I saw a picture in my mind. It was of a wall with a door in it. On one side of the wall was healing, blessing, etc. and I was on the other side with my sick baby and all my worries. In my mind I ran to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. I scrambled for keys and found one marked "Faith".

"Ah-ha!" I thought! Now I can get to the blessings! And, sure enough, when I used the key of faith, the door unlocked. But it did not open. I reached to open it and found that I was not strong enough to turn the knob, much less push open the door. And I began to cry. And then, a thought, so clearly the voice of God, said "What would you do if you checked on your son and he was completely well, right now?"

"I would jump for joy and shout praises to God!" I said that aloud.

"Then why don't you do that now? If you can praise Me as much when the answer is not evident, as you would if it were obvious, then you will have the strength to open the door because praising Me brings joy and the joy of the Lord is your strength."

Wow! What a lesson. My son began to get better shortly after that little prayer session. His fever finally broke and he slept peacefully again. God may have used the medicine to reduce the fever, I don't know. But I do know that I learned to praise God loudly and excitedly. And now, I can express my love in many ways, including animatedly and excitedly. And I can shout for a baseball team, and allow my emotions to flourish in any setting...

Now...how about "them" D'backs?

What Lies Beneath?

Storm damage is sometimes hidden. This is true in both the emotional and physical storms. I ran across an example of this a few years back when I was looking for a home to buy.

It seemed like the perfect location. It was almost exactly between two of my grown children and their families. It was a lot closer to my workplace. It was the perfect size. And the price4 was right. My daughter, who, along with her husband, was an investor, first discovered this house. She "checked it out" in the early evening when the sun's light was barely adequate. It looked good, except for the need for cosmetic updates. She excitedly called me to set up an appointment to look at it the next day. I could hardly sleep! The search had been long and covered with a lot of prayer. Maybe this was finally my answer!

I met her at the house on my lunch break. The neighborhood was older, but well-kept. The house was on a cul-de-sac with a lovely name. And it was near a community pool! I was sure this was my answered prayer!

I walked in to see her saddened face staring at the floor. the carpet had been pulled up to disclose a two-and-a-half inch gaping crack all across the dining room and living room. The house smelled musty. There was evidence, now in the4 full light of day, of flood damage. Mold. Peeling linoleum tiles. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the fireplace bricks were coming off the wall and the window joints were askew. The ceiling bore cracks as well. It appeared that the house had slid on its foundation. Much speculation occurred without the detailed facts. Had the house been built upon a faulty foundaton? Had the lot been a land-fill not properly assessed? Was there some kind of underground water source that had erupted beneath the foundation? Had a tremor from a distant earthquake caused the situation? We didn't press to find the answers since we clearly were not going to purchase this once great, and now damaged, home. We were not sure it was repairable.

I know there were times in my life when I could realte to that house. My past seemed better than my present, and even my future! There was obviously damage caused bu something not readily identifiable. And I wasn't sure I was repairable!

I have spent much time of my life analyzing myself. I have tried to discover what shook me so badly. What erupted in my life beyojnd my control, which brought about cracks in me? Storms that I did not invite, and in fact at times, had not noticed until evidence of damage emerged. I wondered if I, too, had slid so far from the Foundation that I could not be fixed.

Thanks be to God! He is my Foundation! He is my solid rock! He is unmovable and secure. He4 is my Investor and Creator. He can not onlhy repair any brokeness, He can set me straight again and cause the value to be seen. He is the Healer of the broken. He is the repairer of the betrayed. He had invested His spirit inot my life! What a valuable creation I am!

I do not know what became of that house. I do know what I am becoming. Hie is making me into His likeness. He is rebuilding and restoring a home for His presence; a home of peace, joy, and value. He longs to do the same for you. We are His property. There is never a valuation decline in His possessions! Amen!

God IS Love

I just returned from a women's conference with my church. It was called "He knows your name". It was powerful.

I have had many experiences of inner healing with God, yet I still struggle at times with feelings of rejection, insecurity,inadequacy, etc. I have, a few times, asked myself why, but was unable to reach an answer. It is because I have very little grasp or understanding of the love of God. Oh, yes, I have felt His loving arms around me. I have wept with a touch of His love. But, though those times were very real and meaningful, I allowed the old patterns of what I thought love was to cloud my picture of my Father, and make room for all those other feelings to rise.

My earthly father was a good man. He was a Christian. He even went to Bible college, although he did not become a pastor. He taught Sunday School and lived a morally good life. But, he was not perfect. He left me with several misconcepts about love. My father never rejected me openly, yet there seemed to be just a tad of aloofness about him. He played tether ball with me and taught me to swim and ride bikes and horses. He let me drive tractors and trowel cement. He wanted a boy. I was born when he was forty and already the father of two daughters. He had not especially wanted another child. So, he reasoned, surely God would grant him a son, since that was his heart's desire and he had this unexpected child later in life. It took me years before I accepted that my Heavenly Father wanted a daughter, so my earthly dad was chosen for me.

My dad was a worrier. He would stay up late at night pacing the floor, worrying about business projects and storm damage, etc. He was extremely responsible. I am sure he meant to pass that on to me. He did. Yet, he also passed on to me the idea that everything that happened to me was somehow my fault. Somehow I was responsible for everything, just like he was. Oh, he didn't cause the storms, but still, the damages or consequences were his responsibility, and somehow his fault for not thinking ahead. And the storms of my life received the same verdict. He was not a very merciful person. You had to pay for your own mistakes and lack of fore-thought. And, you could always do better next time.

And, though he meant to encourage his kids, he found it difficult. He steered us away from dreaming about careers dominated by men, or careers involving talent. God coud snatch those talents right away from us if we strayed from Him, and then, where would we be? (I wanted to be a writer and ...well, read on!) And if God had wanted us to be principals (my middle sister's dream) or therapists (my oldest sister's thought), or preachers/evangelists (my desire), He would have made us boys! He had trouble acknowledging awards we received and cautioned us not to become proud.

But, he did spend time with me. He read to me when I was little. He played with table games and tetheball with me. He hugged me once in a while.

My mom died when I was four. My sisters were 14 and 18. I got to live with my grandparents for three years. They loved me, but were steeped in a legalistic church...no dancing, no worldly music, no football games, no bowling, very little TV (that was taboo, too, but Grandpa wouldn't comply!) Of course, anyone who smoked or drank alcohol of any kind or cursed in anyway, was not a Christian, and I should not be around them.

And then came a new mom. A very wounded mom. They didn't know about "baggage" or "bondage" back then, and counseling was for those who had no God in their lives. I learned then, that father-love would not take my side, even if there was proof of my innocence. I was not to be defended, even if I was wronged. I probably deserved it one way or another. I figured he must be right.

My dad did not beat me himself. But he did not prevent it either. He did not molest me. But he did not believe me when an employee of his attempted it...along with the youth pastor, a year later (I never told my parents that one...they would NEVER believe it!) And my mom would only say I must have worn my skirt too short, or make me stop wearing shorts.

So, you can imagine my image of Father God. Loving, but aloof, willing to play with me as long as it was things He liked. He expected me to perform to the best of my ability (which he determined), and when I didn't, would just go do something better than talking to me. He wouldn't believe me over the word of men. I must follow the rules, have only godly thoughts, and be responsible for myself and everything and everyone in my path. Say my prayers, pay my tithe, say grace at the table, read my Bible and memorize Scriptures. Then I would be that good little girl He wanted.(or not).

Years ago God started to work on me. He loving offered healing and I accepted it...as far as I could. It was like I had cancer and required surgery, chemotherapy, and lots of medicine...and more surgery..etc.

But, God IS love. He is getting through to me more and more each day. I forgive my dad. He did the best he could. I forgive my mom. She was extremely wounded from her own childhood and basically hated herself.

And now, I am forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for hanging on to some of these issues far too long; for not spending more time with my Father. For not believing what HE said about me over what I had been told by others.

I realize that it was I who has held myself back. It is I who had become afraid of success as much as of failure. Oh, I did go to Bible college. I did have successful ministry. But I have allowed men's opinions, and people's critiques to draw me into the background and hide my calling and talents from all but a few select people. God has forgiven me and refreshed my call. I have forgiven me now too. I hope you all forgive yourselves, because He has already forgiven you.

A Poem--"Your Love"

YOUR LOVE

Lord, Your love is so great!
I goes beyond my biggest mistakes.
It gets me past my past.
It’s the only love that will ever last.
Your love covers a multitude of sin;
And sets me free from the child within;
It lets me be who I am meant to be.
And Lord, You’re always there for me!
I need no other love to get me through today.
No other love can know my ways
Like You do…
Lord, You know everything about me.
You hear my thoughts and understand
what I can’t see.
Through it all You love me still!
May I always seek to do Your will.
Help me remember when life gets tough,
That I am Your diamond in the rough.
Your love will smooth and give value to me.
Let me not lose sight of what I can be.
I know Your love is my all in all.
Lord, I hear now Your love call.
And Jesus, I love You!

By Charlotte Saben

Self-storage

UNCLE BOB’S SELF STORAGE

The sign read “Uncle Bob’s Self Storage.” It caught my eye because of its unique design, but the words grabbed at my conscience. Self storage. How I wish I could store myself away sometimes and not have to deal with my blemishes. If I could put myself on a shelf and lock me up for a season, perhaps my pride and self-absorption would take care of itself!

But life is not that simple. Selfishness is not that easy to cure. Dealing with our idiosyncrasies and imperfections is not pain-free! I chuckled, wondering if “Uncle Bob” realized the duel meaning of his sign, or how God could use it to get my attention.

I would like to think that I am not that selfish nor prideful nor self-absorbed. Yet, I know the day I just spent thinking of my needs but not wanting to deal with my mistakes. THAT is what I would like to put in storage! All the past mistakes I made. Lock them away and throw away the key! Lock up the memories of all the self-centered days I have had. What a perfect solution that would be.

And yet, God has done just that. No, He has done greater than that. He has canceled my sins. He has sent them as far as the east is from the west…that is how far He has removed them. (there is no geographical point separating east from west, so they are continuously going AWAY from me!) Still, the memories of my misdeeds and mistakes are locked up…in my mind! I have stored them away, attempting to keep them bound up forever. I have achieved a measure of success with my “self-storage”. But God wants me to unlock that storage unit in my head and allow His Spirit to assure me that those errors are forever gone and erased. The consequences that I have suffered can, and are being healed by my loving God. I need not hang unto them.

One consequence of my locking away my “issues” is that I have put myself on a shelf…a back shelf at that! I have allowed the memories of the past to hold me back and keep me from moving ahead in areas God wants me to move!

I still wish at times that I could lock ME up…put me away so I don’t make any more mistakes. But God does not desire me or anyone to lock thmselves away. We are to die daily to ourselves and step out in faith to do whatever He calls us to do. God is gracious. He is forgiving. He is love! “His grace is sufficient for me”. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!”

These are the words I shall meditate upon; not the words in my head that were spoken from my past. I shall feast on His Word. I cannot put myself away. I cannot lock me up to assure I will sin less. That is not God’s way. I cannot store away bad memories and not forgive myself and those who hurt me in the past. That is not God’s way.

His way is love; forgiveness, openness, and honesty. He is my Healer. He is my Restorer. Rather than “store” myself away, I shall live in “restoration” by His Spirit.

Well, Uncle Bob, whoever you are…God has used your simple sign. We never know what He can and will use to set another free!